SLOTHS ARE NOT CUTE!
Meet the sloths, from Amphibian Avenger.
Here at The ##, we like a lot of things: red meat, action movies, monster trucks, gratuitous amounts of casual sex. Recently, a lot of attention has been given to the “adorable” three-toed sloth; who knew baby sloths were this cute? (Ed. note: Are sloths the new slow lorises? I think so!) Oh yes, they are cute and cuddly and let’s all look at them! They’re so slow and helpless looking!
THIS IS FUCKING WRONG.
NO NO NO! Just say NO to SLOTHS.
They represent everything that is wrong with society. Yes, let’s laud a barely mobile, resource-hogging, algae-eating, WASTE OF MUSCLE FIBER. They will fucking latch onto anything near them, infect it with their slothitude, and make everything sleepy and WEAK. You know who slept a lot and became a giant pussy? FRANCE. And look how that worked out. Go out and make something? HAH! No, I’ll just lay around and eat whatever grows on me. SLOTHS EMBODY THE APATHY OF THE WELFARE GENERATION. You will not contribute to society because you’ll be too busy sleeping, looking cuddly, or growing algae on your dorsal side from moving so slowly. You will get fatter from being lazy. Frequently, people will comment on how “huggable” they look. THIS IS A DIRTY TRICK. Don’t be a sloth, and just say no to their empty promises of warm places to nap and easy-to-eat foliage.
Fuck those fucking sloths. You should be swift, vengeful, and powerful. DO THIS:
TEAM SLAYER: ALL ROCKETS.
That EAGLE just showed that SLOTH who’s BOSS. (Footnote: I cite HAWK EATING SQUIRREL.) Yes, fly majestically through the air, grow stronger, and move about with impunity. Be more like AMERICA. To be content is to be weak, and to be weak is to be defeated. Don’t be a loser; don’t be a SLOTH.
Next time someone tells you SLOTHS are cute, slap them squarely in the jaw, break their computer, smack the tea out of their hand, and ask if they want to move to EUROPE. Better yet, tell them about EAGLES EATING SLOTHS. Eat or be eaten, right? DON’T BE A SLOTH.
