How To Smoke A Fucking Cigarette
Go to a gas station and buy a fucking pack of cigarettes. No, you wont get lung cancer. Lung Cancer is a false societal construct. Get a lighter, too. Ask for the one with the American flag on it. If they’re already out of those, the only appropriate colors are red or blue. Got it? And buy Marlboros. No foreign shit. That’s not real cigarettes. Camels? They’re from Egypt or something, so they’re for terrorists. Parliaments? Come on!? Does AMERICA have a fucking Parliament!? Maybe if they were called “Senates” or “House of Representatives” you could smoke them. But they’re not. They’re called Parliaments and they’re for commies. So you have your pack of Marlboro Reds. Note: you should be drinking a Budweiser while you’re doing this. Not a Bud Light, a Bud Fucking Heavy. What? You’re in a gas station? Open it in the fucking gas station. No one’s gonna bother you, because you just bought a pack of Marlboro Reds and you’re a bad ass mothafucka. Oh, and it should be a tall boy. So, you have your cigarettes. Pack it, and sorta look around like you don’t give a fuck BECAUSE YOU DON’T. Then pull the plastic wrap off, pull out the silver tab from inside, and drop it on the ground. Don’t you go putting it in the trash. You litter because littering is fuckin’ awesome. And don’t even THINK about recycling it. Recycling is for people who give a shit and you fucking don’t. Take out a cigarette and put it in your mouth. Notice the smell of that wonderful North Carolina tobacco. It smells like AMERICA doesn’t it? Yes it does. What? You’re in a gas station? Where smoking is illegal, not to mention insanely dangerous because of the high possibility that there’s flammable gas around you? Man up and smoke your cigarette. So spark up that lighter, put it near the end of your cigarette, and inhale for a second or two. Now exhale over your shoulder, not looking at anyone. This is when you come to the realization that you look FUCKIN SWEET and that everyone around wants to bang you/be you. Enjoy it. It feels good, doesn’t it? Yeah, it does.
