The ##

Sup broz,

I was on the nets today reading up on the latest news (espn.com, where else?) and I came across this article by Rick Reilly about chessboxing. Upon reading it, I immediately vomited, evacuated, and tore my right Eustachian tube doing so. Chess boxing? Dumb? Who the fuck do you think you are, “Rick Reilly,” if that is even your real name.

Rick complains that chess boxing combines two things that “couldn’t have less in common.” Well neither does an engineering degree and an econ degree, but everyone I know has both. It’s called being a RENAISSANCE MAN. You know, just the other day I was discussing this with my friend Jack Waffles (John to you plebeians) over martinis as our yacht was floating down the Seine. We were discussing how a great oracle had once exclaimed that “sports are just games.” Now Jack and I, being renaissance men, are philosopher-athletes, so we figured we were qualified to answer this great philosophical question.

After hours of gin-fueled debate, we came up with an answer: basketball is just a game. Golf is a game. Communist kickball is just a game. You know what makes a sport? Combining intelligence and violence. Chess and boxing. Other sports Jack and I have dabbled in since then: Debate-swordfighting. Times tables-dueling. The Grenade Toss. Real-life Battleship (with the French fleet, no it didn’t last very long.) Precision Carpet-Bombing.

Rick, don’t call chessboxing one of the dumbest sports in the world. It’s one of the ONLY sports in the world. In fact, Rick Reilly, I, Frank Cavanaugh, challenge YOU to a chessboxing duel. You name the time, place, etc. 

Don’t be a pussy, Rick.