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The Hardest Coffee You’ve Ever Had

John Ashbery Waffles VI, son of billionaire shipping magnate John Ashbery Waffles V, has recently been cut out of his father’s will due to a mishap involving a Malaysian crack den, an Israeli-made flamethrower, and a leather-bound copy of the complete Andrew Marvell anthology, the spine of which is now severely damaged. In order to secure some quick cash, “Jack” Waffles, as he is known to his friends, has joined The ## team, where he will post every so often as a columnist. This is his first post.

Hello there, everyone. Jack Waffles here.

I was off on a cruise last week, and I met a bunch of crazy chaps. They said they were bloggers, or something like that. Two bottles of port later, they convinced me to post on something they called the “interweb.” Then they just said it would be “really sweet,” and they uttered some nonsense about post-post meaningfulness. I don’t know too much about them, and I don’t really care to exert myself to find out too much about them. But anyone who can pull off a Panama and still remember to slip the barkeep a $20 is OK in my book. Cheers.

Now, this is a recipe for:

Hard Coffee

You put down your third taza and shake your head. Your body can take a lot, and it’s just a little bit harder to get going in the morning. It was back in Monaco, in ‘98, when I came up with this recipe. I was late for an art auction — a particularly fiendish Carvaggio I had been after — and the bar wouldn’t open for another hour.

For this, you will need:

  • 150 mL espresso
  • 2 sugar cubes
  • A spot of cream

Now the rest gets a little tricky, so follow closely:

  1. Take the brown sugar cubes and put them on the table.
  2. Place a credit card on top of the sugar cube. I’ve found a black AmEx works best.
  3. Using the base of a glass, push down on the sugar cubes until they are crushed into fine granules.
  4. Arrange the two cubes into two roughly even piles, and then push into short lines, approximately 40mm in length.
  5. Rail both lines of sugar.
  6. Chug the espresso. 
  7. Sip the cream, gently.

Congratulations. You’re hard.

  1. hashtaghashtag posted this