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Wow. Pardon my Joyce here, but even 1000 pages would not do this song justice. This song is ‘great.’ Not like, “This Loop ‘N Cheddar is ‘great,’ but like Michael Jordan, Tiger Woods, Michael Phelps, and Roger Federer are ‘great.’ Everything about this song is absolutely perfect. Everything. The ingredients are flawless and cooked to exquisite just-a-little-more-rare-than-you’re-comfortable-with,-but-it’s-a-$100-filet-mignon-so-fuck-what-the-FDA-says-ness. Cobra Starship is an up-and-coming pop/synth rock band in the mold of Metro Station, but with a much sweeter name (maybe my second favorite, other than “The Sounds,” but how can you top that? You can’t.) Admittedly, the first two things that came to mind when I first heard the name “Cobra Starship” was a mixture of Snakes on a Plane and Jefferson Starship. Repulsive. But, they’re from New York City, so Nate already likes them and probably has tickets to their next show. Then you see ‘ft.’ and you’re like, OH SHIT, cuz u kno 1 of 2 thingz happened: 1)Lil Wayne found his way onto another pop song, or 2)A ridiculously hot girl of questionable singing talent is featured to sultrify the high-school hipsterness (I was expecting Emilio Estevez, the Mighty Ducks man - Reinstein). And then BAM. Leighton FUCKING Meester. Look at the song title, and you realize it’s a perfect match. Just a month ago, rumors began swirling about an alleged sex tape [via “We’re in between Gossip Girl seasons and we need to do something to keep her in the news [subvia her publicist is awesome [subsubvia Paris Hilton, thank you for creating the meme of the celebrity sex tape.]]] Speaking of Paris, I think it’s time we finally admit that she is fucking brilliant. She made millions becoming the exact opposite of the person we hope our children become, turning her lifestyle into a morally decrepit freak show. She is Hollwood’s equivalent of the lion at the zoo: 1. We are fascinated by even the most inane things she does (Txting Lindz), 2. We really want to feed her (unhealthily skinny [via the ‘coke diet’ [subvia bathroom lines in clubs [subsubvia N.E.R.D.]) Back to Leighton, I mean Blair Waldorf (the ultimate good girl gone bad), I mean Justine Chapin (her character in Entourage, in which she pretends to be a pure, chaste virgin, but really just wants everyone to If You Seek A-her, Britney Spears style.)

But the absolute best part about this song is that it contains a ‘titties moment.’ (One day this will become a meme.) A ‘titties moment’ is a moment in a song in which it is just so, SO good that you experience this wonderful, euphoric feeling, like a high. Most songs, unfortunately, do not have a ‘titties moment.’ We like to refer to those songs as ‘pretty chill.’ The epitome of this moment, for me, provides the term’s namesake. The single best moment (IMHO) of SMB’s Fuck Bitches, Get Euros occurs on the track “Meet me at Fantasy Island.” Yall know what I’m talking about. “I want to get away, TITTIES” and then Schlink slips on a puddle of beer and hits the Finklean deck, rolling around in ecstasy [via Myrtle.] But this ‘titties moment’ is much better. To get the full effect, find yourself an HD quality version of the music video, and go to the part where Leighton starts her verse. Look at those fuck me eyes. That hair. “I know your type, you’re dangerous.” It is a merger of an audio and visual ‘titties moment.’ A mind orgasm. A mindgasm. Yes, Schlink, the girl singing ‘alright’ in Hey Ma is good, but this is better. She definitely knows your type. You are dangerous. You smoke cigarettes and drink whiskey by the glass, and she’s just daddy’s little girl who is intimidated by the club scene and is only there because her five best friends dragged her out that night and even though it’s Thursday and a school night daddy let her go out because she got an A on that math test that she studied really hard for. You saw her in the corner and made delicious eye contact with her. You coyly grab her from her pack of friends in that ‘don’t give me that look, why are yall even here if you don’t want to meet guys and drink, and she’s clearly the hottest among you, so we’re gonna go to the bar’ kind of way and she looks back at her friends with a ‘sorry, but you knew this would happen when you dragged me out here, don’t be jealous that he chose me’ kind of look. She orders a Sex on the Beach because she read somewhere in Cosmo that guys are turned on when girls say the word ‘sex,’ so she might as well just put the thought in your head. And she even draws out the x in sexxx, as if you hadn’t yet considered the notion of having sex with her (You had.) You buy her a couple of drinks, next thing you know she’s slurring her words and grabbing on your jet black hipster skinny tie [via it’s never just a couple drinks with daddy’s little girls]. And then the two of you are out on the dance floor, and you realize that yall are ‘DRUNK,’ (not ‘drunk’ like cohen gets at Myrtle, but ‘DRUNK’ like when a peacoated Nate [via Maker’s] walks into Schlink’s room with an 18 of Natty in each hand, and slams them on the beer pong table while he kicks up torn up Chronicles from the floor [via Seven Deadly Sins] and announces “Let’s get ‘DRUNK.’” You and her, you start making out, and yall taste like vodka and cigarettes and cranberry and whiskey…

@johnps18