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The Ignition Theory

While sound engineers were still working on Chocolate Factory (his 5th studio effort) in Chicago, R. Kelly and his boyz flew down to Miami with a USB stick containing the only copy of a song called “Ignition.” Under extreme secrecy, R. Kelly threw a party at an exclusive club somewhere in South Beach (sources, for reasons that will soon be clear, vary). At this party, this song, “Ignition,” was played on repeat. For seven hours.

On February 18th, 2003 R. Kelly released Chocolate Factory and the world was introduced to “Ignition (remix),” a tune Kelly jotted down* while getting head in the back a stretch Navigator on the way to MIA. This song is merely based on the night that had ended only hours before.

The original song inspired so much “Crystal poppin’” and “bouncin’ up and down” that early on it became apparent that it could never be released to the public. The “toot tooting” and “beep beeping” reached unhealthy levels around midnight. From there guests become hazy with the details, perhaps due to all the “coke” and “rum.”

Concerning the song itself, there is disagreement on it’s exact length, although most claim there was a series of verses spanning roughly 10 minutes explaining how exactly the classic television mystery series Murder, She Wrote is “like” getting a woman naked. Guests can agree that there was in fact food at the party, but also concur, somewhat contradictorily, that there were no caterers present.

Of course “Ignition (remix),” while being diluted so severely, has it’s merits. John Darnielle of the Mountain Goats would list 100 reasons it’s “so damned great.” Later, a song entitled “Ignition” was recorded and quietly placed just before this song on the track list of this same album. Don’t be fooled. This is all part of an elaborate cover-up.

The original USB stick was destroyed some time the next morning, forever depriving the human race of its pinnacle of sonic reverie.

The album went double platinum anyway.

* R. Kelly, by his own admission, is illiterate, therefore the phrase “jotted down” is only used to denote the haste and carelessness with which “Ignition (remix)” was “written” in Kelly’s mind.

@sts10